|Image from here|
I’ve been working on a massive project (in my day job) which has been a fantastic opportunity, and I have been so happy to be involved. Though closer it got to crunch time, the more my anxiety levels crept up. By Monday night last week I wasn’t sure if I was suffering a tummy bug or just extreme nerves, wondering whether everything I’d worked so hard on was going to run to plan.
Being a worrier by nature doesn’t help. Call it pre-empting or just plain pessimism, it is sometimes hard to not be apprehensive about all the things that may go wrong.
I barely ate for two days, was overcome with nausea at one point, and sleep became a superfluous function.
Throw into the mix I was attending a “blogging university” night that same week and I was a ticking time bomb of fear and nerves.
As with any of these events, I have to work hard on not hyperventilating with social anxiety beforehand. I’ve never been the new girl at school but I fear it’s something like that must have been. There’s nothing quite as potentially personality crushing as walking into a room full of people you only know thru cyber space, but whom all seem to know each other in real life, to bring every insecurity you’ve ever had crashing to the surface of your subconscious. Then I remind myself I am a big girl, I’ve survived the corporate world, I can string together some small talk and pleasantries in order to make a connection. And often while the thought of that is busy quelling my fears, I’ve already found someone I can relate to.
It wasn’t the ideal start to the event however, missing my train to Sydney by 45 seconds which equated me spending another 45 minutes to stew anxiously while I awaiting the next. I very nearly turned around and went home. It would have been the easy thing to do. But an audience with uber bloggers Mrs Woog and Eden Riley awaited, along with the chance to get myself in front of the savvy PR agency Naked Communications would then have been wasted. My husband (my conscience) in his silence told me everything I needed to hear – life aint easy so suck it up Princess. The Universe just wants to see how bad you want something!
It is going to be one of my goals for 2012, to work on believing in myself more. I’m aiming to remind myself, that as long as you do everything within your power and to the best of your abilities, you cannot criticise yourself. And that I am worthy, and have something to offer the world, even if I am just some small voice in the grand blogging scheme of things.
An besides, if I dont believe in myself and my dreams, who honestly will?